He refuses to give up smoking!!!?
I’m currently 22 weeks pregnant, and since my parents both have ailing health, my fiancee and I live with them to better provide care. Things were fine and we were all one happy family until my dad (who’s in his 60’s and started smoking when he was 14) refused to ease back on his smoking. Sometimes he’ll start smoking even though I’m in the room! I usually end up holding my breath and rushing back to my room where I sit near the window to catch some fresh air. I’ve tried talking to him about it, but he claims that he’s “old” and should be allowed to live his life happily. This is his first grandchild and I don’t understand why he has such a nonchalant attitude about such a serious matter. Since it’s winter (and currently ten below!) I can’t always rush outside to escape. Once again, we can’t move out since we are providing care for him and my mother, and we don’t have enough financial stability to put them in any assisted living facility (they don’t need that much care anyways). Help!
We’ve tried to compromise by already having an air purifier and a fan in the window to use as an exhaust whenever he smokes. However, I do need to be firmer about him waiting until I leave the room. The kitchen and livingroom are connected, and he’ll light up while I’m making a quick snack. He should be able to wait 2 more minutes. I am a caring, loving daughter and he is a caring, loving father. We both try to understand each other’s POV’s and while some of you say I should simply leave, I don’t believe in doing that, especially since my parents have been through genocide, breast cancer, MS, and have made many other sacrifices for me. I’ll invest in a better air purifier for all the rooms for now, and present him with the second hand smoking facts too…
I am also going to discuss my concerns with my doctor on Monday. I grew up with his 2nd hand smoke, never had any breathing problems or any other health problems, graduated from HS with highest honors, and from a 4 year college as an English major. So far I’ve beaten the statistics but maybe I was just lucky…I am concerned about my child, or else I wouldn’t have asked this question.
March 22nd, 2011 at 10:12 pm
odd, huh. you all are providing care for him and mom, but dad cares nothing for YOU and YOUR BABY’S care. leave at once. if you help him he should in return help you both-bottom line.
Mom of B & D
EDIT: if you are soo concerned about your child, there should be no question in your head as to leave or stay. you’re stating that you’ll sacrafice your unborns health for the benefit of letting your father smoke, you might as well light up one also since it seems you have to decide about your unborns well being. you grew up with no effects from second hand smoking but your child should not be categorized as being healthy as you are.
March 22nd, 2011 at 10:39 pm
Expalin to him that it hurting your baby. Tell him to smoke out side his self
March 22nd, 2011 at 11:03 pm
I am sorry to hear about this. I know exactly what you mean and by being pregnant that makes you much more sensitive to smells and smoke. YUCK. My mother in law who is in her 70’s refused to stop wearing some STrONG perfume in my house while she visited for a few weeks while I was pregnant. It was maddening and there really isn’t anywhere in the house you can go, esp. when it is so cold out side (you can’t open up the windows). My recommendation would be to tell your fiancee about it HE should be standing up for your rights as well and I am afraid that if he doesn’t he need to be mad at him as well!!
March 22nd, 2011 at 11:36 pm
If he is going to have no respect for you and your child, it’s time to leave. If he’s smoking now, while you’re pregnant, he’s probably not going to stop doing it once the baby arrives.
Listen, you are his daughter… fine. But it is your job to be that child’s parent before you are anything else to anyone else. You are that child’s guardian. It’s winter now. It’s going to be winter next year, too. Only next year, you’re going to have to find a place to hide with an infant in arms. Where are you going to hide then? Your baby isn’t going to know to hold his breath. Your baby isn’t going to know to leave the room. How are you going to keep your child safe?
Christopher Reeve’s wife died of lung cancer… she never smoked a day in her life. Think about that and decide who you are going to take care of… your father, who has no respect for you or your child, or that child who is looking to you to be it’s protector?
March 23rd, 2011 at 12:31 am
A breath of smoke isn’t going to harm you or your baby, but holding your breath and running around and hyperventilating can, so the first thing you need to do is not freak out if he lights a cigarette near you, just get up and leave the room.
Second, given the horrible statistics about what secondary smoke does to a child’s developing lungs, if you intend to stay in this home, you’ll need to set out some rules about where in the house he’s going to smoke once the baby is born. The best would be nowhere, obviously, but he seems unwilling to do that and it is his house. Smoking then should be confined to places where baby won’t be, such as the kitchen, a den where he spends his time, or the like.
If you can’t come to a conclusion on that, you’ll have to decide what’s more important; staying in the house with your parents or the health of your child. Your parents are adults, there are options for them. For a baby, the choices are much more limited.
March 23rd, 2011 at 1:13 am
I quit smoking 10 years ago after 22 years of smoking and it was the hardest thing I ever did.
Your father may find it extremely difficult to cut down (it is a powerful addiction) and yet can’t admit that either. After all if he is in ill health he should have quit already for his own good!
So please try to understand his side, and see if you can work out a compromise. Like, some rooms are “non-smoking” rooms, or you both chip in to buy a heavy duty air purifier, or even a smokeless ashtray (which sucks in the smoke).
March 23rd, 2011 at 2:09 am
Sadly your parents aren’t as important as your baby. You are risking your child’s health staying there. You have to choose which is more important to you. You should really talk with him and make him listen don’t shut up until he really hears you. This could be causing you stress which I just found out can cause deformities and your child could possibly be retarded. Not to mention the second hand smoke is putting the baby at risk of not developing its lungs correctly and having asthma. Also for having a low birth weight which could throw the dr off at how far along you are and so forth. Maybe you should look up these fcts print hem out and make him read it. Then ask him does he love his grandbaby or himself more.
March 23rd, 2011 at 2:40 am
You are _not_ going to nag him out of it. He’s right about being old and being allowed to live his life how he pleases.
One whiff of somebody lighting up isn’t going to do anything. I mean, you go outside, right? Plenty of car exhaust there…
You need to accept the situation, and find something you can live with. If that means finding a way to move out — what would your parents do if you simply weren’t around? — so be it.
But, more likely, it means asking your father to confine his smoking to one room, and investing in some air purifiers. That’s all.
I suggest asking in the ‘Family & Relationships’ section, too.
(Why did the “So please try to understand his side, and see if you can work out a compromise” answer get so many thumbs down? For heavens’ sakes. The go-talk-to-him answers — as though you haven’t already! — are just going to anger him, and not get either of you anywhere. He’s clearly made up his mind.)
March 23rd, 2011 at 3:12 am
First thing you have to consider is, you are living in his house, correct? Sometimes you just have to suck it up and deal with the rules of someone elses home. Yes, you are there to help him out but at the same time, it is his home. What you could do is ask him to pick a designated area to smoke in. Ask him if he could go into his room when he wants a cigarette. If it is not something that he wants to do, then you either have to adjust to his way of living, or you have to find somewhere else to live. There really is no easy answer to this one.
March 23rd, 2011 at 3:48 am
sometimes you have to worry about youself. what’s more important to you, your dad or your unborn baby. you have a choice to make.